I Can't Keep Fighting
by ForeverDream2012
Summary: To support my friend who's battling depression, I wrote this story to spread awareness. Donnie is fighting depression, and as his brothers learn the truth, what will happen. Warning; suicidal thoughts, actions, etc. This is a big deal, guys. Very emotional.
1. Chapter 1

TMNT

 **Okay, guys, this does have suicidal thoughts and actions. This is a really big deal and it's time people realize that. I want people to see how often this happens and the outcome of it. This stuff happens everyday and it's time it gets noticed. We can help though. Spreading awareness and letting people know they're not alone could do so much. This is a huge deal, so this is why this story is going to be a big deal. I'm warning you now, I got emotional while writing this.**

* * *

After another patrol, the turtles headed back to the lair. Donnie, the third oldest and genius of the family, was quiet during the whole patrol, even when they were attacked by Foot Ninjas but quickly beat them. Raph, the second oldest, had noticed but brushed it off as nothing. He decided if it didn't end by the morning, he would demand answers on the spot. Leo, the oldest, noticed and when Raph and Mikey went to bed, he planned on talking to Donnie about it, knowing that he would surely be up still working on something. Mikey, the youngest, noticed before any of his other brothers did, and the moment Donnie would go into the lab, as they all knew he would, he would follow.

'' Well, guys, if you need me, I'll be in the lab.'', Donnie says, quietly.

'' Why don't you spend some time with us?'', everyone turned and faced Raph, shocked that he of all turtles said that. '' We barely see you anymore, Donnie, sit down and watch some TV with us or something.''

'' I agree with Raph. You've been keeping away from us for a bit, Donnie, and I'm getting sick of it.'', Leo says. Mikey nods in agreement. Donnie shook his head. No, he couldn't be around his brothers right now. He can't let them find out his secret. If they knew, they would never look at him the same again.

'' Guys, I can't. I just... I just can't.'', he storms into his lab, locking the door behind him. Raph and Leo look at each other, worriedly. Mikey ran to the lab door and tried to open it but failed.

'' Donnie... please let me in. I'm your best friend!'', Mikey says, trying to convince Donnie to open the door. Raph silently cursed at himself. He should have known that this wouldn't be nothing. He felt so stupid.

'' Donnie, what's the matter?'', Raph asks, as him and Leo knock on the door with Mikey.

On the other side of the door, Donnie was in tears. He couldn't calm himself. He couldn't breathe at all.

'' Donnie?'', hearing Mikey call for him made his heart ache more.

'' I just want to be alone, guys.'', he heard footsteps, indicating his brothers had walked away. He spent hours in silence, knowing by now his brothers were surely asleep. At least, Mikey was asleep. The poor kid would run his energy out by this time and he would be back to normal by morning. It was about 3 AM. Donnie was working on an invention, and his wrists had stung from were the cuts were. He had bandaged them and told his brothers it was nothing. Just that he had cut himself when working on an invention. And they believed him.

Donnie sighed. He didn't like lying to his brothers but he had to protect them. He got up, deciding he needed more coffee, and since his brothers were asleep it would be fine. He quietly went in the kitchen, and as the coffee brewed, a hand touched his shoulder. He freaked out, turning around and finding Raph there.

'' You should be asleep.'', Donnie says.

'' I was about to say the same thing to you.'', Raph says. He takes Donnie's shoulder, and guides him out of the lair. '' So, now that no one else can hear us, what was earlier about?''

'' Why do you care? It's just me. If it was Mikey or Leo, I'd understand, but it's just me-''

'' Stop making it sound like I don't care about you.''

'' That's how it seems.'', Donnie snaps back, shocked that he had snapped at his older brother like that. Raph backs up for a moment.

'' Donnie, you are my little brother. I don't hate you. If I didn't care about you, why would I go out of my way to protect you?''

'' Because you have to.'', Donnie says.

'' No, I don't. The only reason I haven't left yet is because of you and Mikey. Donnie, I may be a jerk, but I still care.'', Raph snaps. Donnie was shocked. He knew Raph had meant this. He just didn't think Raph ever would care for him. '' Why won't you tell me what's going on?''

'' Because I'm trying to protect you.'', Donnie explains, and goes to walk off.

'' It's not your job to protect me, Donnie.'', Donnie ignores Raph and heads back to the lair. He goes in the lab and locks the door. He got out his notebook and began to write. Then, he got out his razor, and gave himself one more deep cut. He deserved this pain, didn't he? His body felt numb as the tears fell from his eyes. He didn't deserve to be loved. He deserved to die. But, he's the only one out of the turtles that was a complete pro when it came to technology and medical education. What if one of his brothers got seriously injured after he died? Or got sick? Splinter might not be able to work his technology and help them. It was up to him.

So, he would hurt himself so he got what he deserved, until he knew his brothers could live without him and his medical knowledge. The last thing he wanted was for them to suffer.

All of his brothers had shockingly written something that night.

* * *

Donnie Entry 1

I love my family, really I do. Even when I shut myself out from them. I'm only trying to protect them. I'm trying to protect them from the truth. But, I can't keep it in. I have to at least write it so maybe, I can get back on track and pretend to be fine, so my brothers won't know. So my entire family doesn't know. I just... don't know how to word it without it coming out blunt. I want to die. I have cuts on my wrists that I hide from them. It does take away some of the pain. It does help. Of course, if my brothers found out, I don't know how they would react. Oh, wait, yes I do.

Leo, my oldest brother, is the leader, and a good one at that. He feels like he has to protect us with his life not just because he's the leader but because he's the big brother. In every show you've ever watched about siblings, haven't you noticed the big brother is always the one to protect his younger brothers? That's Leo, well, that's Leo, Raph, and me. But, anyway, Leo has too much on his plate as is. I'm sure he's slowly figuring out what's going on, though, knowing my brother. I just don't want him to worry about me. If he found out that I was cutting and I just didn't want to live, he would blame himself and I don't know what would go through his mind. His big brother instincts would say protect your brother but his leader instincts would say find out why. No reason for my brother to lose sleep over me, right?

Raph, my second oldest brother, I'm not so sure about. I thought he didn't care about me, honestly. It was like I was just a thorn in his side for the longest time. However, after tonight, when he did seem concerned, he wasn't faking. He actually was concerned about my well being. I can't believe this. I don't know what goes through my brother's mind anymore. It's complicated to understand what my brother thinks. I just worry that I have the wrong impression of him my entire life. I thought Raph hated me,but I'm not so sure now. He seems like he cares. For now, a least. Maybe he feels he has to be concerned. I mean, no matter what, I care about Raph. Even if he doesn't care about me I care about him. That's why I didn't tell him. I don't want to bother him with my problems.

Mikey is my only little brother. And, to be quite honest, he's the only reason I'm still living. I didn't want to go on, but he needed me. Ever since we were 5, I remember Mikey depending on me. He use to sneak into my room when he would have nightmares. Occasionally he still does. Mikey is the only reason I haven't ended my life yet. He's so innocent. He reminds me everyday that I'm his best friend and he needs me. I couldn't leave him. I couldn't destroy his innocence. I have protected him in battle. I have protected him from the monsters under his bed. And I would protect him from the truth. I had to.

It breaks my heart knowing one day, maybe here soon, Mikey will have to wake up and hear that I'm not around anymore. But, I'm not strong enough to go on. I've fought and fought with everything I have, but I can't. So, I've already prepared something, in case one day, it does happen. I want my brothers to know the truth.

For my brothers, who will find this, and it will be too late. I'm sorry. You guys are the last ones I'd ever mean to hurt. Leo, don't blame yourself. I love you, don't beat yourself up over something stupid I did. Raph... I don't know if you cared or not, but know I loved you, big bro. Thanks for everything you two. Take care of Mikey for me. Mikey... little bro, I'm so sorry. I fought as long as I did because of you. I love you, little brother, never forget that.

* * *

Mikey Entry 1

I noticed something's wrong with my best friend, Donnie. I hope he gets better soon. Donnie means a lot to me, you know? I don't want anything to happen to him. If it gets any worse I'll put him in a quick reality check. I'm worried about him.

Today I did everything I could to make him smile. It barely worked. He only would look at me, give a quick smile, and then start thinking about something again. I'm starting to really worry about him. If I can't cheer him up, no one can. Not even April.

Sorry, in case you didn't get the memo, I'm more important to Donnie than anyone. I'm the one who cheers him up. April can't just come in here and take that from me. If I can't cheer Donnie up, no one can. Simple as that.

Donnie's just my best friend. He's always been there for me when I needed him the most. I have to return the favor and be here for him now. He needs us. I know he's falling, but I don't know how to stop it. I don't even know what's going on really. I can't think straight. I don't do good under pressure. And when it comes to something happening to Donnie I can't think straight. I just get really scared.

The best I can do right now is just keep reminding Donnie he's super important to me.

* * *

Raph Entry 1

I ain't stupid, Donnie. You're acting strange and I'm going to figure out what's up. And, how could Donnie think that I didn't care about him? If I didn't care, I would have let him be killed by now. But, I promise anyone, no one is taking my younger brother from me. That is a promise. I'd kill anyone who even tried to hurt him in front of me. I may be a jerk, but I ain't heartless. I do care for my brothers. Which is why I'll stop at nothing to figure out what's up with Donnie.

Leo and I have been talking about it, and Leo said give him the chance to try to take care of it first. I didn't listen and I tried to talk to Donnie but he thinks I don't care about him. Can I do anything right? I have to figure out something to do, and fast.

The last thing I ever want is to lose one of my brothers. And I'll stop at nothing to make sure Donnie realizes that.

* * *

Leo Entry 1

Something's wrong. Donnie's acting really weird... and depressed. I'm worried that he won't get better anytime soon. I'll figure out something. I have to. Depression is something serious. I mean, he's been having more bandages on, but-

No, Leonardo, you idiot, Donatello would never cut himself. He would go to you if he needed it, right? I can't believe I would think Donnie would purposely hurt himself.

It's only a small possibility he would. I'll figure something out. He use to be depressed before, but he got better. I'm sure this is just him remembering the past and feeling stupid for it. Nothing that I need to get too concerned about... yet.

Who am I kidding? I'm going to worry. Something is obviously wrong with Donnie. I have to save him. It's my job as the leader to make sure my team is in check. But, more importantly, it's my job as the big brother to make sure all my little brothers are safe...

Is that so hard to ask for?

* * *

 **Okay, guys, I'm going to write this because this is serious. I suffered from depression, my sister, my brothers, we all have. It's not something to take lightly. I'm going to share my story here below... so maybe someone can understand they're not alone.**

 **A couple years ago, my world was falling. My niece, who means the absolute world to me, was born premature, and she nearly lost her life because of it. To this day she still has lung problems, and she has to have thick food or it'll go in her lungs. But, when we all thought we might lose her, I just didn't want to talk to anyone. My body felt numb. I didn't really talk. I hid in my room. But, I didn't self harm. I didn't want anyone finding me with cuts. My best friend was cutting and I knew that wouldn't help his case, so I didn't. But, everyday, and I still do, I mentally bring myself down. I don't have a reason to be here.**

 **I was bullied over a bone disorder. I couldn't walk normal half the time and I always have a limp and people actually made fun of me for it. It was heartbreaking. I started writing because it really helped. This is another reason I decided to write this story. When I become an actual author, I plan on writing a book about depression and how it does get better.**

 **When my grandma had passed away, that was when the line was drawn. This was a year and a half ago and I still can't get over it. I don't even visit her house anymore unless I have to. Don't get me wrong, I love my family I just can't face them.**

 **I'm still here, though. The reason being is because I was learned I was needed. By two of my best friends. The one who I was mentioning was cutting, and I refused to leave his side. And, my other best friend, who still comes to me when he's upset. I can't leave now. Besides, my niece is getting better and she's going to need me.**

 **I learned that it eventually gets better. It really does guys. My world still is dark sometimes, but not like how it use to. I'm starting to get better and I know you guys can, too.**

 **If you ever need anyone, PM me.**


	2. Chapter 2

**Guys, I want you to know I didn't write this for me. I wrote this for you. I know for a fact that many people are suffering from depression. I want you guys to realize you're not alone. This is a big deal. I'm writing this from all four brothers' perspectives because I also want you to see it can effect the people you love as well. I'm just trying to get you guys to understand. I hope this helps everyone fighting depression. If you want me to write something, feel free to leave it in the reviews or PM me.**

Donnie sighed from his lab, as he stared at the clock. It was midnight. He heard someone crying. He couldn't tell who it was, but he wasn't going to let one of his brothers go to bed, crying. It wasn't like them and he would be a pretty upset if he allowed this to continue. He follows the sound, and hears the crying coming from Mikey's room.

'' Donnie... why do you just... just not care anymore? I thought I was your best friend. Why are you shutting us out? What did I do? I'm sorry... for whatever I did.'', he cries. Donnie stops at the door. He doesn't go in or make his appearance known. He was too upset. He hurt his little brother. He had been hurting his whole family. Splinter was slowly picking up the vibes, and he was greatly worried about his son. Leo and Raph had tried to talk to him, but he pushed them away, not wanting them to worry.

'' No... it's not your fault. And I do love you, little brother.'', Donnie whispers, but Mikey didn't hear him. He walked back into his lab and cried his heart out.

The morning came around and the boys lined up for training.

'' My sons, there is no training today, but I do want to say something.'', Splinter says. The boys sat down at their father's command. He sighs. '' I know that sometimes it is hard for you guys to have a will to carry on, but, I want to say, each of you are needed. Together, you are an unstoppable team. Seperated, and you are misunderstood individuals.''

'' Sensei... why are you giving us this lecture?'', Mikey asks.

'' Just letting you each know how important you are.'', Sensei answers.

' All of them matter, but I don't. I don't deserve to live.', Donnie thinks. Splinter didn't sense it from what Donnie could tell.

'' And, if you ever need me, please, don't hesitate to come to me, my sons. I want to help you.'', Sensei dismisses his sons. When Donnie, who was the last one to leave, was out by the door, Splinter spoke. '' That includes you as well, Donatello.''

'' Thanks, Father, but I'm sorry. I just don't feel like talking.'', Donnic knew Splinter must have sensed his depression, but he didn't want to confess.

'' Just know I love you, my son.'', Donnie nods, and walks out. Splinter silently prays that his son would finally understand how much he meant to the family.

'' I'm going to go to the junkyard, gys. If I'm not back in an hour, you know my usual spots.'', before any of his brothers could say anything, Donnie walks out of the lair. It was clear he wanted to be alone. Mikey was too upset to offer to go with his brother, and much too upset to follow. Raph took the chance to finally see what was wrong with Donnie. He walks over to the lab door, and enters. He used his sai to pick open one of the drawers and he found a notebook there. If it was locked up, there had to be something Donnie didn't ant his brothers, mostly Mikey, who snuck into the lab very often, to see. Raph looks through and on the first page find a confession letter of some sort. He read it, and in shock, he dropped the notebook.

Donnie was suicidal. It made perfect sense. How he had been acting. How he shut himself out. He didn't want his brothers knowing because he knows they would worry about him. He was trying to fight this on his own. But, this shouldn't be a battle he fights alone.

Raph silently vowed to save Donnie from this. But, he would need help. Sensei was trying to convince Donnie earlier that he was needed. That was what that was all about. Now, he couldn't let Mikey. Mikey would start blaming himself and fall into depression too, and that would only cause Donnie to fall into depression more. Leo. Of course. Leo would know what to do, right? Leo always knew what to do. He would be able to help Donnie.

Raph walks in the dojo, and sees Leo in meditating position.

'' Leo? I need to talk to you.'', Raph says, and when his voice cracked, like he was about to be in tears, Leo turned around and faced his younger brother.

'' What's wrong? Are you hurt?'', Leo asks.

' Leave it to him to go immediate big brother.', Raph thinks.

'' I'm not hurt, but I found out what's wrong with Donnie... and if we don't do something soon, we're going to lose him, Leo.'', Raph says.

'' What's wrong with him? What do we have to do to save him?''

'' He's... I... Donnie is suicial. We need to keep this between us, though. I snuck into his lab and read his journal which is how I found out. I put it back so he won't know we know. I don't want Mikey finding out because the last thing we need is two little brothers falling into depression. And, I don't know how to fix this, Leo. I need your help.'', Raph says. Leo felt terrified, but he managed to act calm.

'' We'll figure something out soon. I don't know what, but we'll figure out something.'', Leo assures his brother. Raph sighs, and nods.

'' I just hope we aren't too late.''

Donnie Entry 2

Well, life is officially over. I was in my lab, and I heard someone crying. At first, I didn't know who it was. So, I decided to find out. I walked out of my lab, and heard the sobbing coming from Mikey's room. I was going to go in there, but I stopped at the door. I heard Mikey talking to himself. And his words broke my heart. He thought this was his fault. He thought I didn't love him. He thought I just don't care for my brothers anymore. That's not the case. I promise anyone my family is my world. Mikey is my world.

I screwed up. I messed up really badly. My brothers are finding out what's wrong And, I'm hurting Mikey. He actually thought I didn't love him.

I'm suppose to be the genius of the family of my family, but I keep hurting them. I'm so stupid. I hurt my family, the ones I love, because I'm too much of a coward to talk about it and face them. What am I so afraid of? Maybe they could help me? No, they couldn't. Who am I kidding? They can't know. They have enough to worry about.

I can't believe I allowed this to happen. I didn't even go in there and comfort Mikey. Isn't that my job as his older brother to comfort him? Not let him lay in his bed crying over me? All I did was hang my head in shame and walked back to my lab.

Now that my brothers know that something's up, it won't be much longer until they learn the story. I'm terrified, especially is Raph finds out. I love my older brother and everything don't get me wrong, but he scares me. He'll probably just think I'm weak or something. I hate letting him down, even though I constantly do.

Why am I such a failure? Another reason I don't deserve to live...

I won't continue to hurt them. April knows how to invent really well and I have some books on how to use my medical equipment that Leo could easily understand.

I won't be a thorn in their sides much longer.

I guess, soon I will be meeting Tang Shen. I have always wondered what she was like.

Mikey Entry 2

Does Donnie hate me or something? Does he hate the others? I mean, he only locks himself in the lab. He doesn't talk anymore. He barely eats from what I know. I don't know what's going to happen to Donnie. I don't want to lose him. I seriously can't. I don't know exactly what's going on, but somethins is up. But I'm super scared to know.

What if Donnie doesn't love me anymore? What if he hates me? Why does that hurt so much? The thought of the one person in this world who understands me now hates me. Dang it, I never wanted to lose my best for this notebook having a few tears on it. I'm trying my best not to cry. Though, right now, that seems abut impossible. Just the thought of Donnie not wanting anything to do with me anymore is enough to break me.

Then again, I don't blame him. I mean, I've given Donnie plenty of reasons to hate me. I just never thought he would. I'm always messing up. I blow up his experiments. I put him in danger a lot. And he has to always be stuck with me and I annoy him. I still never thought he would. He use to tell me I was everything to him. I use to mean the world to him. Now, I'm nothing to him. I have to get my big brother back. I just have to. I will. I won't lose him.

I can't believe I'm such a screw up. I can't do anything right. I just want to crawl under the covers and cry for a bit. My chest hurts like crazy. It feels like I can't breathe. I'm still crying and it feels like it'll never stop. Oh, my God I wish this would stop.

I wish Donnie loved me.

Raph Entry 2

How come I didn't see this coming? Why am I such a failure? I snuck into Donnie's lab when he went to the junkyard. I used my said to break into the drawer. I found his notebook and I'm not going to admit this to anyone else, but I cried. My baby brother, my genius little brother is suicial. Oh my God. I'm going to be honest, it felt like my world was crashing at that moment. How come I didn't see this before? Why was I so blind? How could I allow this to happen?

I showed Leo, and he did not take that well. I think what I said is haunting him because he looked so pale in the face. He'll talk to Donnie. Leo will fix this, right? I have to help him fix it, though. I can't just turn my back on Donnie. Mikey can't find out. That would destory his innocence. I can't let that happen. Not only will that cause him to be depressed, too, but it will drive Donnie further into depression. What kind of big brother would I be if I let that happen? A horrible one.

I'm going to save Donnie. I won't fail either. I will save my little brother from himself. I have to have Leo's help though. I'm horrible with words. I don't care if Donnie hates me or not, I'm going to save him.

And, I need to clear up something with him. He thinks I hate him? No, look, I'm only going to write this down so the guys don't know. I do care for my brothers. I'd take a bullet straight in the chest for these guys. I love them but I put on this tough guy attitude to protect them. I'm willing to do anything for them. Even if it costs me my life I'd rather die than one of my brothers.

I'm not heartless like most think. I do care. I just don't want people to learn my four weaknesses. Leo. Donnie. Mikey. Sensei. If something were to happen to them and I needed to save them I would stop at nothing to. This includes his mental battles. I won't ever turn my back on Donnie and for anyone who thinks I would I'll personally teach them a lesson. I just have to save Donnie.

Leo Entry 2

Well I learned what was wrong with Donnie. Raph told me. I was meditating in the dojo when Raph came up and explained everything to me. Honestly, I kinda saw this coming. I was doing some research online, signs of depression, and Donnie was showing a lot of red flags. I was going to meditate to calm myself down, as when I learned this I was shaky and I wanted to calm down before I talked to Donnie. I still want him to trust me.

He doesn't want to worry me. Really? It's my job as his brother to be concerned for his well being. He should know how seriously I take my job. Oh, man, why does it feel like I'm about to lose one of my little brothers? I have to save him I just have to.

We won't tell Splinter. Not yet. Though, I'm sure if this gets any worse, Splinter will be able to sense it. I just don't know what to do anymore.

I have to do my job and save Donnie. That's my job as his big brother, isn't it? To protect him from everything that could possibly hurt him? Even self hate.

Why didn't I just notice sooner? Maybe all this could have been avoided if I had done my job as his brother and watched out for him like I'm suppose to. God, I can't believe how much of an idiot I am.

Well, I failed him once but I won't fail him again. Trust me, Donnie, I won't let you fall again.


	3. Chapter 3

Donnie's Battle

 **Hey, guys, sorry I haven't updated this in awhile. I believe talking and making these things aware is very important but it also hurts me writing it sometimes because it just mentally drains me, and thinking about how many people I care for on this site, writing to me about their depression hurts. And, I just want to say something, I know I may not always update, but I am trying here, guys, I really am. But, like Donnie, I'm going through trying to fight my depression and I finally talked to my mom about it and I'm seeing where it goes from here. I'll try to keep you guys updated on my current battle with depression. Love you, guys. - Writer0824**

Donnie was walking to the kitchen to get another cup of coffee, when Raph ran up to him.

"Donnie, do you have a minute? Leo and I want to talk to you. It's really important.", Raph tells his younger brother. Out of energy for arguing, Donnie agrees, and follows his older brother to the dojo, where Leo patiently waited.

"What's going on, guys?", Donnie asks. Leo gently takes Donnie's shoulder and guides him to the tree, and they all sit down.

"Donnie… I've done some research… and I have to say, I'm worried about you."

"We all are.", Raph comments and Leo nods in agreement.

"You know we love you, right?", Leo asks. Donnie nods, but mentally shakes his head. His brothers had to say this. It was their job. That didn't mean they really cared. They were doing what they had to.

"Yeah, guys, don't worry, I'm fine.", Donnie tells his brothers. Raph pulls Donnie in a hug.

"Stop lying to us, Donnie. We already know.", no they couldn't. His brothers just couldn't know about it. But… they do… why? They finally noticed?

"Then why didn't you guys notice sooner?"

"We did. But, we were hoping you would come to us… but we got tired of waiting.", Raph answers. They both look at their younger brother and Leo sighs, as they all get up.

"Does Mikey know?"

"No. We didn't tell him. But, I'm sure he knows something is up."

"He doesn't need to find out.", Donnie tells his brothers, before walking away. But when he got to the door, Mikey came out from the side.

"Know what?"

"Mikey…"

"Why can't you just-"

"Forget it, Mikey."

"Donnie-"

"Mikey, I said forget it!", Donnie storms into his lab, locking the door behind him. Mikey, angered by the actions of Donnie, looks at Raph and Leo.

"What did I even do to him? He actually he use to care!", before they could respond, he storms in his room. He threw himself on his bed, tears forming in his eyes. "He wants me gone, huh? F-fine. I'll leave then. He'll g-get what he wants."

Donnie Entry 3

Raph and Leo know about all of this. And that's just freaking great isn't it? Then I get into it with Mikey. Perfect. Can this day get any better? Why can't Mikey just see I'm only trying to protect him? And I get Leo and Raph mean well but knowing that they know just hurts. I know they're going to try to help me, but I'm far beyond getting help. It's too late to save me. Don't they see it's too late? Why aren't they just giving up on me? Because it's their job or do they actually care…

Maybe Leo cares, that or he just doesn't want to look like a bad leader. Which he isn't. He's an amazing leader. Maybe he just wants to keep it that way. And Raph is probably just being forced to help. Leo would make him help so I think he cares when I know that's not the case. I wish they would just give up, though. I already have.

I can't help but wonder what Mikey would say if he read this. I imagine there would be tears. Which the thought of that makes my chest ache. I want to protect him, but that fight is definitely isn't helping the case. I need to apologize, and figure out how to make things right without telling him the truth. I can't bare the thought of him knowing about everything. I'm sorry, but Mikey, I can't allow you to know everything. I just can't. I'll do anything to protect him from the truth. I'll do anything to prevent him from being hurt. And I just don't think I could live with myself if I was the reason he was hurt.

Mikey Entry 3

Donnie… in case you ever find this, I want you to know that I'll give you what you want. I'll leave. I'll go away. Obviously you don't care about me anyway. And, since I've done something wrong to you, I'll go away so you don't have to be around me anymore. I just… wish I knew what I did wrong so I could fix this. But, you're keeping secrets from me and everything. And I don't know what else to do. I'm sorry. For whatever I did. And, in case this hurts you, which I doubt it will because of the way you've been lately… I'm sorry for that. I get I'm a screw-up. I know I can't do anything right. I know you can't stand me. I don't blame you either. I put you and our older brothers in danger. I hurt you. I mess up your experiments and inventions. I was a horrible little brother to you. You had to take so many hits for me so I would be okay. You would handle so many beatings so I would walk away unharmed. You nearly died so I would be okay. I was a horrible younger brother to you. You deserve better.

You were my best friend of all time. I love you, big brother. Sorry I failed you.

Raph Entry 3

I don't think I've ever felt this much pain. I don't know how much more I can take. I bloodied my knuckles today punching my punching bag. I can't help but feel what happened to Donnie was my fault. I mean, it's my job as his older brother to shield him from anything that could hurt him. I should have done the same thing with his depression. I've taken blows for Donnie that would have killed him and somehow managed to survive. I have had too many conversations with April telling her to stop leading my younger brother on. I've fought for him. I'd face Shredder alone for him if I had to. I've spent years preparing myself to protect them, do my job as the protector of the family… but nothing could prepare me for this. Nothing would be able to prepare me if I came one day… and saw… Donnie… no, I can't even write it.

I know, I know, I sound like a total softy. But I wish I could tell my brothers how much I love them without feeling embarrassed about it. I wish I didn't get so angry with them. I wish that I could just save them from everything… but I can't.

Leo Entry 3

I need to meditate and write. I need to calm myself down and vent. I can't allow the others to see me so weak. They need me to be their big brother, the strong one, now more than ever. I want to go in there and hug all of them, and tell them that everything would be okay. I want to have a conversation with Donnie about all this without something going wrong. I want to fix the problem but I need to know what needs to be fixed. I bet a majority of it has to do with April. She's constantly hurting him and I'm about over it. I'm about to just tell her not to come back to the lair anymore.

Okay. I need to calm down. These are my brothers. Donnie is strong. He'll work things out with Mikey and a lot of this can clear up. I get he's just trying to protect Mikey but he's really going about it in the wrong way. And that's what worries me the most. Thing is, if something happens to Donnie, I don't know if this family will be able to continue standing. I know I won't be able to. Mikey won't. Raph won't. Sensei won't. Yeah, we're not going to be able to continue if we lose someone. I just pray we don't.

 **Again I'm sorry about not updating in awhile but a lot of stuff is going on and I'm crying while typing this story. And this is for the readers out there facing depression. This is for my best friend. This is for everyone who has ever felt alone in their lives. You are cared for. I love you, guys, and I promise you are not alone.- Writer0824**


	4. Chapter 4

TMNT

 **Hey, guys… I don't know how much more I can honestly take, you know? School is stressing me to the max, and to make it worse I believe I may have just lost my best friend. The one I needed isn't here anymore. And, to make it all better, this is October. And, October is my unlucky month, and not just because of my best friend thing, but because this is also the time that my grandma had passed away, this Thursday actually will be two years. I may just stay in my room most of fall break and write. I know I'm strong enough to get through this, and all I need is time. If Donnie can make it through, well, so can I. I hope everything between me and my best friend work out soon, and we won't let one fight change our entire friendship. Just got to keep praying for the best. On the bright side, I may become an official member of my church, Calvary United Methodist. So, that's good, right? I need to find who I am, and don't worry, it will have no effect on my stories, hopefully. I just need to find who I am, and what I'm meant to do. But, I will never stop writing, because I keep getting messages from all you guys saying how much this story has helped you, and how that you always get a little happy when I update. You guys are my rock right now. Thank you for everything. I love you, guys.-Writer082499**

Donnie opens his eyes, letting out a groan as he raises himself from the bed. He had actually convinced himself to sleep in bed instead of staying in his lab all night on some pointless invention that wouldn't do anything to help the case. What was the point of even going on? He had nothing to live for. And, he decided that tonight, he would tell his brothers he had to meet April for something, and then he would go to the highest building in New York, and jump. He was done. And his baby brother hated him now, so what did he have to live for? Absolutely nothing.

He wanted to just hug Mikey one last time and then apologize, even though he knew Mikey would never forgive him. Even after he finds out, he would go about his life, cursing his older brother's name. And he had the right to.

"I just want to get this day over with… and let tonight happen already.", Donnie whispers, getting up from his bed, and walking into the main room, but stops at his door. He saw a note, laying there carefully. He lifted it up and began to read.

 _Donnie,_

 _I just wanted to apologize for our argument yesterday. I know it wasn't my place to go about asking what was wrong, and that was my fault completely. I don't know what exactly I did to cause this rip in our relationship, but you don't have to worry about that anymore. You don't have to ever deal with me again. I promise. I'm going to leave, and I promise I won't come back. I'm sorry for everything I did, Donnie._

 _Mikey_

Donnie felt his heart stop as he runs to the main room, where Leo and Raph were, not knowing anything about it. If they had, Donnie knew that they would have been freaking out. They would have woken him up and they would all be looking for Mikey right now.

"Guys… it's Mikey. He left.", Donnie says. Raph looks over, worried.

"What do you mean, left?", he asks, getting up, feeling his heart pumping fast. His little brother was gone and how did he not know? How could he miss something that important? How long has he been gone? Where is he right now? Did they Shredder or the Kraang get a hold of him?

"He ran away because of our fight yesterday.", Donnie answers, sinking his head down in shame. This was all his fault. He should have known… he should have known what Mikey would have done if he found this out. He should have been smarter about all this. And he should have protected Mikey from this in the first place. If something happened to Mikey while he was out there, Donnie would never be able to forgive himself.

"Well, let's not waste any time on finding him. Raph, you'll search west. Donnie, you'll search the north of the city. I'll search south and east. We meet at the highest building in 5 hours if no one has found him and always keep your phones on you, got it?", Leo orders, trying to keep himself calm. His baby brother was gone and at any given moment something could happen to him. Leo knew if something happened none of the big brothers would forgive themselves. But, he couldn't waste precious time worrying about what would happen. No, he had to focus on what was most important, and that was finding Mikey. That is to be the main concern no matter what.

The brothers all nodded and began the search. Leo kept himself focused, but always had his katanas ready. He never knew what he may find when… if… he found Mikey. Someone or something could be attacking him and he would have to make whatever it was pay for hurting his baby brother. There had to be more than what Mikey was saying in the note. There is no way Mikey would leave just because of one little argument with Donnie. Those two fought just as many times as him and Raph did. Yes, not nearly as physical, but still. Mikey would never think about walking out on them, and neither would Donnie. So… what was the real reason? And why did he make something up in the note?

Leo shook his head. The more time he distracted himself with this problem, the longer it would take to find Mikey and the more time he was wasting on finding his brother before it was too late.

"You're the big brother, Leo, so act like it.", he searched everything. He didn't leave one corner of the south or east alone. He didn't find a single trace of Mikey being here, though. And, he knew what he had to do. He made his way to Shredder's lair.

When he got there, Leo began to search for Mikey in the cells below the lair. He didn't find anyone, though. He didn't even know if Mikey would be here. It was a very small chance that he was taking.

"Mikey, little brother.", Leo whispered, but then the sound of alarms went off. He turned around and saw several Foot Bots coming his way. He brought out his katanas, ready for anything that could have been thrown his way. He sat himself up, and glared. Razar was right behind them, with a smirk on his face.

"Where is Mikey?", Leo snaps, attacking one of the ninjas, slicing it in half. "Don't ever hurt him, am I clear?"

"Hate to break it to you, Leonardo, but the only turtle we have is you.", Razar says, annoyed. Leo rolls his eyes. "I'm serious. I haven't seen any of you turtles in quite some time."

"MIKEY! If you're here, say something!", Leo yells, and didn't get any response. He cursed at himself. Mikey wasn't here. He shakes his head, and as all of the ninjas go to attack him, he throws down a smoke bomb, disappearing.

"Well… Master will be very happy to hear that one of the turtles appears to be missing.", Razar smiles as Leo disappears.

Raph couldn't find a trace of Mikey anywhere, and it's been 4 hours and 30 minutes since he began his search. He searched everywhere, but couldn't find anything. Sighing, he made his way to the tallest tower, where he would meet his other brothers, and pray someone found Mikey last minute. Donnie was no better. He had tears in his eyes as he desperately searched the streets of New York, going anywhere his brother might be. He stopped at one point in time to cry for a moment, feeling so helpless. He wanted his brother back. He needed Mikey right now.

They all arrived at their meeting spot empty. Raph immediately walks up to Donnie, wrapping his arms around his little brother and allows him to cry for a moment.

"We'll find him… we'll find him.", Raph whispers.

Meanwhile Mikey was on his way to leave NY when he decided to stop to take a rest.

"I… I miss you, guys…", he whispers. Tears roll down his face, and he sobs for a few minutes. Mikey has never, ever, felt so alone in his life.

Donnie went into his lab and began working on some new invention. Raph shook his head, knowing Donnie was either trying to distract himself from the problem at hand, or he had an idea on how to find Mikey. Donnie knew what he had to do to find Mikey, and that was to create an invention to find his precious baby brother. And, Donnie didn't care if it took him years, he would not stop until he finds his little brother, and fix things between them.

Donnie's Entry 4

As if it couldn't get any worse, my worst fear has been realized. I woke up this morning and my baby brother was gone. I found a note that told me that he was sorry, but he just couldn't be around me when I hated him so much. I don't hate him, though. I just wanted to protect him. And, by trying to protect him, I brought him in greater danger than ever. The Shredder or the Kraang could easily get him right now and I wouldn't be there to stop them. And, to make it worse, I'm the reason he's gone. If something happens to him out there, it would be my fault. I don't think I could ever forgive myself if I allowed that to happen.

I immediately started searching for him, but I can't find him anywhere. He knows all the places I know. So, he must be lost somewhere if he doesn't want me to find him. He didn't even take his phone, so I could track him and find where ever he is. I just don't know if I could ever live with myself if I allowed something to happen.

I need to find him and I have to tell him everything going on. I need to open up to him. I need to before it's too late. It may already be too late. The moment I find him, I won't make the same mistake ever again. I'll tell him everything he wants to know if it just means he'll come back. And I'll make sure he understands that none of this is his fault, and it never will be his fault. I will do anything just to make things right again and just have my brother back.

Raph is angry. He's been searching for hours as well. So has Leo. We've separated and searched every corner of the city, until we finally had to come home empty handed. Splinter has been trying to locate Mikey through meditation, and Leo joined him on that, I'm still trying to track him myself, but by an invention. I'm going to make a small camera, and give it the ability to fly. Then, I'm going to put a tracker in it, and have it find Mikey. I'll see everything it will see through a screen, and when the invention finds Mikey, I'll transfer the screen to my phone, so I'll be able to see is he goes somewhere else or not, and find him on my own. Then, I'll make things right. I promise, Mikey, where ever you are, I won't stop until you are safe and home again, where you belong.

I wish I could say I could do this on my own, but I can't. I can't even fight the urge to cut. I have more scars on me and I know the moment Mikey sees them, he's going to blame himself. I should have known better than to do this. And, let this be known now, if I don't find Mikey, or something happens to him, I won't go on. I would have no reason to go on. He's the only reason I've been hanging on so long.

And… I may have just lost him.

Mikey's Entry 4

I miss home. I miss my brothers. I miss Donnie. But, I'd rather be miserable here and have him happy, than me at home happy, but him miserable. It's for the best, right?

I know I shouldn't be thinking about him, but I just can't get Donnie off my mind. I mean, I just wish I knew what I did wrong, so I could get my best friend back, and then everything will be okay again. I remember when April broke his heart, and I was the one that was there for him. I made everything better again. It surely wasn't April. She made things worse. And, Raph and Leo didn't say anything because they always use to think if something was wrong with Donnie, he'd go to them. And, Raph never wanted to seem like a softy. Even though, for us, he was. Raph would do anything for us. I imagine him and Leo are trying to track me down. I can't help but wonder if Donnie is. Maybe, maybe not. I don't think he cares about me anymore.

I remember when I was about 7 or so, I would have really bad nightmares, and Donnie would do anything to make me feel better. He hugged me and told me nothing would happen as long as he was around. He would tell me he was the one person I could always depend on to save me when I needed to be saved. So, where is he…? I need him more than ever…

Donnie, I need my big brother.

Raph Entry 4

I swear the moment I find Mikey, I'm kicking his shell in. And, believe me, he's coming home. I'll search this entire world a million times if I have to. I won't let this family fall apart. Ever.

I don't want to admit this to my other brothers, but I'm terrified. Mikey is gone and something could happen to him at any freaking moment and I'm not there to do my job as his older brother and protect him like I should. I couldn't fight to make sure he's safe. And, Donnie is on the verge of breaking and if we don't find Mikey soon, I know what Donnie will do but I don't like to admit it. I know what is going through his mind. I can read him like a book. And, I know when something is wrong with him. And, believe me, he's not going to be able to take much more of this. I'm not going to be able to take much more of this, either. I'm on the verge of breaking and I'm the big brother. I'm suppose to be the strong one. When they feel like they're breaking, it's my job to save them, right? That's what big brothers do, right?

Sometimes, and I would never admit it to anyone, even if I was forced to answer it or take my life, I wish I could be a big brother like Leo is. He's fearless. He doesn't even let his emotions take control of him. He just stands there and allows so many people to hurt him but he only does something when we're in danger. He can hurt everyday and keep it in silence and doesn't have random bursts of anger all the time. I fear one day, my anger will cause me to hurt one of them beyond repair.

Maybe that's why Donnie is depressed and suicidal. Your big brother is suppose to be the one you can always count on. They're suppose to care about you. They're suppose to be willing to do anything for you. And, I always yell at him and Mikey. I don't remember the last time I've ever told them how much I loved them I can't remember one time I have been around him and the others and not snapped in anger. That must have caused him to fall into depression. If something happens to him it would be my fault.

I just want to make things right again. I want my brothers to know how much I care. I want my little brothers back. I want Donnie happy again and I want Mikey back home where he is safe. As an older brother, is that too much to ask for. I'm nothing but a failure and if something happens to either of them it is my fault.

No… no. I will fix all of this. I'll find Mikey and bring him home. I'll tell him everything he wants to know if it means he will stay. Even if Donnie would hate me. Mikey is the key to saving Donnie before it's too late. And I have to save Mikey before something happens to him. I need to make things right between all of us again. I'll fix my relationship with Donnie and Mikey both and be the big brother they both need to be okay once more. Because if I don't, my entire world would crumble before me because if something happens to my little brothers, I couldn't live with myself. A world without my brothers isn't a world I could live in.

Leo Entry 4

I wish I could find Mikey. I've tried to spiritually connect to him, but that didn't work. The others and I searched the entire city, but it's like he's gone. He's practically disappeared! I even took the chance and checked Shredder's lair, but he wasn't even there. And I nearly got myself caught, but I managed to escape just in time. It's easier to escape and stuff when you don't have your three younger brothers to protect. Not that I mind. I love them more than anything in the world. But, it is easier to fight.

Anyway, I tried to find him, but I couldn't. And I'm going to have to take away Donnie's razor if I find it because I'm sure he's back to cutting, but I haven't caught him yet. He better pray I never catch him cutting himself. I just wish I knew how to stop all this.

I wish I could just take away Donnie's pain and transfer it to me. I would do anything for that. I would do anything to have Mikey home, where he's safe. Not out there alone where he could easily be caught by the Kraang or Shredder. I don't think I could forgive myself if that happened.

What if I'm too late? What if Shredder managed to get his hands on Mikey and I just didn't see it. I wasn't even in the area to check the Kraang, but if they had them, it would have been obvious. The Kraang thing Donnie has in his lab would have gone off, and I know for a fact Donnie is checking that thing every 2 minutes to see if anything on Mikey has came up. I just wish I could figure out what to do. I don't think I can do this. But, I have to, don't I? I mean, I'm the leader and big brother. I need to start acting like it instead of screwing up all the time.

Shell… can I do one thing right for ONCE?


	5. Chapter 5

TMNT

Donnie continued to finish his invention, determined to find Mikey. Splinter and Leo were meditating, trying to reach him, but nothing came up. Donnie managed to create the invention, which he didn't bother naming, that was Mikey's thing. But, it would search for Mikey and notify him when his brother was found, and lock on his location, and Donnie would find Mikey and everything would be okay. Or… so he thought.

Donnie sighed to himself as he allowed the guilt to eat him away, but sent the invention off, hoping that it would find something soon. After he released it, he walked to Raph's room.

"R-Raphie…", he opens the door, and finds his older brother there.

"What is it, Donnie?", Raph asks, but he didn't get an answer. Instead, Donnie walked over to Raph, hugged him, and began to cry on his shoulder. Raph was rather shocked about this, as it wasn't like Donnie to come to him crying.

"I-I'm so sorry. This is all my fault.", Donnie began to repeat apologizes, wanting nothing more than to find his brother and let him know how sorry he was. How much he loved him. How much he missed him and wanted him to be back.

"We'll find him, Donnie. Don't worry.", Raph whispers to his little brother, repeatedly. "We'll find him and then everything will be okay."

"I should have told him everything going on. I should have known. I'm his best friend, I should have known he was going to do something like this.", Donnie whispers. Raph shakes his head.

"You can't predict everything, Donnie.", the older brother tells his younger brother, with a gentle voice he rarely uses. "You should have came to us, but what happened with Mikey was something no one could have thought of, not even you."

"I guess you're right. I just need to find him.", Donnie says, but before Raph could respond, a siren sound came from the lab, causing everyone to jump up. Everyone in the lair runs to the lab, and sees Donnie's laptop going crazy. "They've picked something up! It found Mikey!"

"Where is he?", Leo asks, concerned. His heart beats fast as Donnie calculates the results.

"On the edge of town. But, he's stopping. I need to go talk to him, and bring him home. And it has to be me. And me alone. You know that.", Donnie tells his family. Leo and Raph go to argue, not wanting Donnie to go alone, knowing that something could easily happen to one of them, but Splinter speaks first.

"Donatello. You do need to go find him on your own, but be back within an hour, or at least call, or your brothers and I will begin to search on our own. Be careful, my son, and bring Michelangelo back to us.", Splinter says. Donnie nods, and runs out of the lair without another word.

Meanwhile

Mikey sighs. He was so tired, and he felt he was becoming sick. He stopped in a wooden area, and tried to get some rest, deciding that he would leave when it was close to sun rise. He pulled out a picture of him and his brothers, and sighed. He never felt so hurt before.

"Donnie…", he sighed, but knew he couldn't go back, no matter how sick he was.

"Well, well, what do we have here?", Mikey's heart stopped as he turned around and saw Shredder himself standing there. "I suppose your brothers are out searching for you. Maybe even Splinter. Why don't I give them a little… surprise for when they find you?"

"Stay away from me…", Mikey brings out his nunchucks, and gets in self defense mode… but does he really have a chance against the Shredder?

Donnie sighed as he continued to look for Mikey, stopping for a moment to see if Mikey was still in the same place, and sure enough, he was, but when he brought out camera mode, his heart stopped. Mikey was laying against a tree, with Shredder standing over him, and blood everywhere. Shredder laughed and said something Donnie couldn't hear, and walked away, leaving Mikey to die.

Despite the aches in his bones, Donnie moved faster, determined to find Mikey. He called Leo and Raph, telling them of what he just saw, and they all decided to meet there and get Mikey help. Donnie found Mikey within 5 minutes.

"Mikey!", the moment his eyes laid sight on his little brother, he ran to his side. "Mikey… Mikey, please, wake up."

"D-Donnie…", Mikey asks, as he looks up. He gives a small smile. "Y-you came…"

"Of course I came. Mikey, you had me worried sick. I never stopped searching for you.", Donnie says, as he searches for open wounds, but only finding one on his leg. He took off his bandana, and wrapped the wound. "Don't ever do this to me again, Mikey. You're going to be okay. But… I thought… I thought I had lost you for a minute there."

"I t-thought that's what you w-wanted.", Mikey sighs, causing Donnie to glare at him.

"Mikey, I love you more than anything. I don't want anything to ever happen to you. You're my baby brother.", Donnie says, with tears in his eyes.

"I'm sorry, Donnie.", Mikey apologizes. Donnie shakes his head, making sure the wound is wrapped around tight, and waits on his big brothers. He pulls Mikey in a hug, holding him tight, and that's when Mikey saw the cuts on his older brother's wrists. "T-that's what you were… keeping."

"It doesn't matter right now, Mikey. All that matters is making sure you get out of here okay. I promise you I'll tell you everything when we get back to the lair and I can look at your leg. Right now it's too dark to see anything. Are you cold?", Donnie changes the subject immediately, holding the much smaller turtle close to block from the cold winds. "I'm so sorry, little brother."

"Donnie! Mikey!", the two younger ones turn around and see their older brothers running at them with concerned looks, and terrified faces. Donnie couldn't comprehend why, until someone pulled him away from Mikey from behind, wrapping both of their arms around his neck.

"One step closer and the turtle dies.", the Shredder didn't leave like Donnie had thought. He should have known. Why would Shredder leave when he could have had all of the turtles? If he had the turtles, that would be an easy way to get to Splinter. He'd do anything for his sons, and Shredder knew that. Of course he wouldn't leave an opportunity to catch all of them, and do who knows what to him.

"No…", he shouldn't have been so stupid. He should have known. And now, Shredder had him by the throat and was inches away from his little brother. "Mikey… move! Raph, Leo, get Mikey away from this!", Shredder goes to try to get Mikey, but Donnie threw his head back, and Shredder got busy with him long enough for Leo to reach Mikey, and Raph tried to help him.

"Get away from my brother!", Donnie finally saw the Shredder, but he threw him against a tree and put a blade to his throat.

"One more step, Raphael, and I'll put this blade through his throat.", Shredder warns. Donnie glances and sees the fear in Mikey's eyes as Leo pulls him away from this sight then gets up. Donnie knew what had to be done. And he knew his older brothers weren't going to like it.

"G-guys, go! Mikey's leg is still bleeding! Too much blood and he won't make it! Have Splinter save him! Go!", Donnie snaps, kicking Shredder off of him, and looking at Raph. "I'll keep him busy, you have to go."

"Donnie, I ain't leaving you!", Donnie looks at Raph and shakes his head. "I ain't losing you, Donnie. I ain't losing a little brother."

"Raph-", Shredder gets back up, and Donnie looks at his older brother, then back at Mikey. He looks at Leo, and sees Leo not knowing what to do. He sensed others here, but he didn't know if they were just people… or ninjas. "If you don't get out of here, you'll lose two little brothers."

"Very touching, but none of you are making it out of here alive.", Shredder throws a bomb down in between Raph and Donnie, and it begins to tick. Donnie pushes Raph out of the blast, but before he could get himself out of there, an explosion came, throwing him against a tree and on the ground, and next thing Donnie knew, flames separated him from his other brothers.

"They're safe…", Donnie whispers, and goes to meet them, but a hand covers his mouth, and pulls him away.

Raph didn't have the chance to react to the bomb before Donnie pushed him out of the way, and took a blast himself. Mikey had tears in his eyes as he screamed uncontrollably. Flames separated them and there was no way of telling if Donnie even survived that.

"Donnie!", Mikey screamed, but Raph couldn't even muster a word. His little brother saved him… but did it cost him his life?

"Donnie!", Leo yells, as he helps Mikey to his feet, helping him stand. Did that really just happen?

"N-no…", Raph whispers, tears rolling down his face. Donnie… no one could have survived such a blow. Donnie knew that, which is why he got Raph out of there, but did he know it would cost him something so… so important?

"R-Raph… get Mikey to the Shell Razor. I'm going to see if I can find him… or…", no one wanted to say his dead body, but they all knew. Raph wiped away his tears, and walked to Mikey, lifting him in his arms, and notices the mask, Donnie's mask. He walks to the Shell Razor, wondering what Leo will find, and if… if Donnie was okay.

"Raphie. He's gone… isn't he?", Mikey sinks his head in his older brother's chest, tears rolling down his face. If he hadn't ran off, none of this would have happened.

"I… I don't know, Mikey. I don't know.", Raph sighs, as they enter the Shell Razor, and they both stare at Donnie's usual seat.

"Donnie!", Leo screams, searching for his younger brother. The reason Shredder knew about Mikey running off in the first place was because Leo had went there to look for him, and snapped at Razar. This is all his fault. "Donnie!", he looks around, and sees no sign of his little brother, or even proof that he didn't survive this deadly fire. Donnie must have been surrounded by the flames… and didn't make it. Everything burned, even… even him. "D-Donnie…", Leo drops to the ground and begins to cry. "I-I'll kill Shredder for this. No more mercy."

Donnie Entry 5

Well, this may be my last entry. We found Mikey, but we weren't the only ones. Long story short, in an attempt to save Raph, I pushed him out of the way of a bomb that was in between him and I, then didn't have time to get myself out of there. I'm sure my brothers think I'm dead, only I'm not. Shredder captured me from behind during all this, leaving my brothers to deal with what they think is my doom. I didn't get the chance to yell for help, and the last thing I remember hearing from any of my brothers was Mikey screaming in terror at what just happened in front of him. But, I suppose that doesn't really matter. He's safe, and that was my main concern. Hopefully Raph got out of there uninjured, and he isn't blaming himself for what just happened. After all, I could have saved myself and left him to his doom, but I didn't. So, it's not his fault, it's mine. Mikey… oh my God, Mikey! The poor guy must be blaming himself for everything, but Shredder injured him. I know if Mikey could have fought, he would have. But, still, I think it must have hurt him watching this. I found him though, my last mission in life is complete, so let Shredder do to me as he wishes. I won't tell him anything as to find Splinter, or any of my brothers, and I sure won't cave in and help him in any given way. I've done what needed to be done, so I have no reason for going on anymore. I saved my brothers, so what else matters?

Leo… I can't imagine what's going through his head right now. He must think I'm dead. All of them must think that. Leo was always determined to be the first one of us to go. He always said he couldn't watch one of his little brothers die, he had to be the first to go. Raph and him wanted to be the first ones to go, they couldn't stand the mere thought of something happening to all of us. He probably wants revenge knowing him. I just hope my older brother uses his head instead of going here with everything he's got and faces Shredder. Oh, no. That is totally something Leo would do. He would want anyone who takes out his little brothers to suffer, and then that's when he won't think. I just don't think I can live with myself if he does something so stupid as a way to get revenge from what happened to me. Or, what he thinks happened to me.

Raph is probably losing himself in anger. Maybe he's using anger to cover up guilt, knowing my older brother. I can't imagine how hurt he must be, or what he's thinking of. I just wish I could tell him that this isn't his fault, and that he's the best big brother ever. I always looked up to Raph, but I did always question whether or not he cared for me. But, lately, that hasn't been a doubt. He proved to me he does care, even if he doesn't always show it. He cares for us more than anyone. I'll never really forget the last thing he really said to me was "I ain't leaving you. I ain't losing you. I ain't losing a little brother." The way he said that. His tone. He was broken when he said that, as if he just stated to me what his worst fear was. And maybe it was. I guess I'll never find out now…

Mikey. My little brother. The one I stopped at nothing to find, and the moment we found each other, and our bond was still unbroken, he watched me die. He watched the explosion that could have easily killed Raph, and watched me take the heat for our brother. I'd do anything to just hug him again and apologize and get my little brother back into his normal self. Moments before what he thinks is my death… he saw my cuts. He looked right at them, and instantly knew the secret I had tried to keep from him. He knew everything. He knew I was depressed. He knew I wanted to die. His hero… was suddenly no longer his hero. I mean, how could I be? I did something so coward like. I nearly killed myself. I'm no longer meant to be his hero.

Well, I guess I better head off of here. No doubt in my mind Shredder will kill me in a few moments. To my brothers and father, I love you guys more than I love life itself.

Mikey Entry 5

Life is officially over. I caused my older brother, my best friend, my hero, to die. Donnie is gone and it's all my fault. I should have never ran off. He would have never came trying to look for me and none of this would have happened. Now, because of me, Donnie is gone, and this is reality. There's no waking up from this nightmare. Donnie is dead. Shredder killed him. And my older brothers are not taking it too well. Raph carried me to Master Splinter, and had him fix my leg while Leo explains what happened. I know they secretly blame me for this, and I don't blame them. Raph didn't say anything, though, he just took me in my room and ordered me to stay off my leg. Splinter was crying as Leo told him everything. I want Shredder dead so badly right now. I should do it myself but I can barely walk. I have to make sure Raph doesn't do anything stupid, though, knowing my older brother. He's more hurt than anything, but he uses anger to cover up his hurt. I don't know if he can actually handle losing Donnie. I don't know if anyone can.

The look Master Splinter gave as we explained all of this to him broke me even further. One of his worse fears have been realized, he lost a son. He cried. And Master Splinter never ever cries. But at the same time he just lost his son. That had to break his heart.

Donnie… I'm so sorry. I never meant for anything to happen to you. And, those cuts that I saw just moments before all of this happened… now I know what you were doing. You were trying to protect me from getting hurt. I should have listened or done something else. I should have never allowed it to go this far. I should have just realized you were trying to protect me from the truth. I could have helped you, though. Me and you… were a team. Not with Raph and Leo, but our own little team. An unstoppable duo. But, now it's just me. Yeah, Leo and Raph are here, but it isn't the same. And it breaks me beyond understanding that you did that. But, you weren't about to let Raph get hurt. I just wish it was me instead.

Donnie I'd do anything to have my hero back.

Raph Entry 5

How could I have been so careless? Why did I freeze when that bomb came between me and Donnie? Was I scared that there was a bomb between me and my little brother and he easily could have gotten hurt? Or was a scared because of the entire situation going on? Or maybe I just couldn't comprehend what was going on in time to stop it. All I know is it cost me something so precious. More important than my own life. It cost me my little brother. Who died to save ME. He gave up his life so I would still live. Why? I don't know. All I know is this is all my fault. I shouldn't have allowed any of this to happen. I should have gotten Donnie out of there in time. I should have been the older brother he needed at that moment and saved him. But he sacrificed himself for me.

I don't know what I'm going to do now. I don't know if I can even live with myself after this. I mean, I was suppose to be the first one to go. Not Leo. Not Mikey. Not Donnie. Not even Master Splinter. I was suppose to be the first one in this family to die. I can't handle watching something happen to the others. I just can't. That's why I was so angry when I found out about Donnie. I can't handle losing any of them. I'm physically strong, but mentally weak. I can't handle something happening to one of my brothers. I can't handle losing my father. None of them.

I can't even believe Shredder actually won. He took my little brother from me and he's going to pay for that. I don't care if it's the last thing I do I'll avenge them. I won't let this go. I'll go to Shredder's lair and finish him off. He won't get away with this. Ever.

Donnie. I'm so sorry. I never wanted this to happen. I know I was a horrible older brother. I was by far a horrible older brother. I didn't show I cared for you in any way whatsoever. Maybe you thought if you did do something stupid I wouldn't care, but I would. Donnie, I know I was horrible, but I would have done anything for you in a heartbeat. I would do anything to have you back, even if it cost me my own life. I'd be more than willing to take my life if it meant saving yours. Why did you even do that? Why did you take the heat for me and saved me? Why? I was nothing but awful to all of you yet you did this. I wish you didn't, Donnie. I need you. And I know I didn't say this nearly enough, but I love you. And I can't believe it took me losing you for me to finally say that. No wonder you thought I didn't care. I swear, if I had one more chance I wouldn't make you regret it, Donnie. I'd show how much I cared and how much I loved my little brother. I guess it's too late for that now, though.

Leo Entry 5

Isn't the oldest brother suppose to be the one who goes first? So he doesn't have to watch the ones he spent his whole life trying to protect die? Well not in this family. Donnie is gone. He saved Raph but it cost him his life. I'm glad Raph is okay, well, as okay as he can be with everything going on, but I miss Donnie more than words can describe. I don't know what to do next, and that's bad because I'm always the one with the plan. Now, I have no plan and a broken family. I had to tell Master Splinter what happened and he was crying which made me cry harder. Everything is falling apart.

Shredder. Shredder did this. And I won't let him get away with it. I swear if it's the last thing I ever do I'll avenge Donnie and show Shredder the true meaning of pain. I want him dead. And I want him to die a slow, painful death. I don't want it to be swift, that's having mercy. But, the turtle with mercy died with his little brother.

I'm not blaming Mikey for this, though, even if he was the one who ran away. He was doing what he thought Donnie wanted. Both of them should have sat down and talked this out. That would have been easier but this is what fate decided to do. And it isn't fair. I shouldn't have to deal with this. I should have been the first to go. That's the thing. Older brothers are suppose to be the first ones to go. I mean, I know Raph always wanted to be the first to go, because he can't handle it, but we both always thought that me and him would be the first ones to go in battle. Die at the same time. I know it's messed up we thought of this but it was the only way both of us could handle death. I guess it's too late for that, though.

So this is what true pain is. Pain beyond healing. Losing someone you loved more than you loved yourself. Something that no one could heal. Something that makes you want to die. No. No, Leo, don't think like that. Mikey needs you. Raph needs you. And Master Splinter needs you. You know what Donnie would want you to do. You know he would want Mikey safe. You know he would want someone watching over Raph so he doesn't try anything stupid. And you know he would want Master Splinter to be okay, despite losing one of his sons. But, most of all, he would want someone to be there for Mikey since he can't be. It's just how Donnie is. And you can't let him down. Not again.


	6. Chapter 6

**Hey, guys, I bet some of you are wondering why I put Shredder and all of these "unrelated" things on here. There is one main reason I put it in here, and before I lose you guys because "this doesn't have to do with depression" I want to explain. This is going to be something to help Donnie realize that his brothers do care about him, and will show him he's not that weak if he can deal with something as painful as this. I don't want you guys to think this is unrelated or something. This is just the best way I can have a turn of events that will make Donnie realize he is really cared for. So, yeah. And I would like to apologize for the lack of updating, still. I can only write a bit at a time because it literally hurts to write this sometimes. It doesn't help that I joined a creative writing class to learn new ways to make my stories better for you guys and my own writing and I keep hearing comments about how my writings are too depressing and I need to be happier and all this and that. Guys, I write the way I write so you can know you're not alone. If I can help one person out with my writings and make them feel better I feel I've done I pretty good job. If there's something you guys feel I could change just PM me and I'll look through your ideas I promise. I don't want to lose you guys because it's "too depressing." I'm trying to help in every way I can think of, but I'm still just some teenage girl who has no idea what she's doing. Anyway, on to the story. And remember if you need anyone just PM me and I'll help you in any way I can.-Writer082499**

Donnie's head leaned against the cold cement wall, and he shivered. Being cold blooded did not help the situation. He closed his eyes for a moment, ready to let himself be killed. Shredder was taking a break for a moment, seeing if Splinter had come yet to seek revenge for his son's death. Donnie silently prayed that none of his brothers would dare try such a thing, as for his father. His words still rang in Donnie's head.

" _Please, know you are loved, my son."_

The words stuck there, with each moment sinking deeper and deeper in his skull. His father had known, had sensed his pain, and tried in small ways to help him to which he could not understand at the time. Now, sitting here with the seconds running out, each moment wasn't a promise to continue, he thought long and hard about his father's words. Splinter did care about Donnie, in his own little way. He was protective of him, inspired his inventions, did the little things he did, taught him to defend himself, because Splinter loved his son. Yet, Donnie didn't take a moment to even consider how Splinter would react to his death. He had three other sons, right? What was so special about Donnie?

"Where is your father? Why hasn't he come yet?", Shredder snaps, as he walks back into the cells where Donnie was being held. The genius didn't even care to respond, what was the point? "Maybe I should let someone know that you're alive. Michelangelo, perhaps? How do you think he'd react if he found out his precious best friend isn't dead?"

"Leave him alone. Leave all of them alone.", Donnie's mind was suddenly awake. He wasn't going to allow Shredder to hurt his brothers, or father, ever. If it meant that his brothers would never learn that he's alive, then so be it.

"Maybe your older brother won't feel nearly as guilty."

"You don't know how my brother feels.", Donnie replies, cold. Shredder didn't know anything about Raph, but he did. Was Raph hurt? With everything that happened it wouldn't be that big of a surprise.

"I know how much he cares about you. And if I were to call him right now and tell him all about how you're alive I bet he would be wrapped around my finger."

"He wouldn't believe you."

"His anger would still blind him and he would rush to attempt to kill me, would he not?"

"Shut up!", Donnie snaps, standing up, ready to fight. Blood fell from his forehead but he still stood tall. "Don't go near him!"

Meanwhile

Raph locked himself in his room hours ago. Donnie pushing him out of the way from the bomb continued to play in his head to the point where he was in tears. His little brother gave up his life for him, when Raph was trying to save it.

"Talk about completely blowing it.", he mumbles to himself, turning to his side. Tears fall from his face to the pillow, and then there was a knock on the door. He didn't answer.

"Raph, it's me.", Leo's voice echoes through the silent room. Raph wants to get up and answer, and for once hug his older brother and just cry, but he couldn't find the energy to stand. "I know you're hurt, we all are, but I can't lose another brother. Mikey can't handle losing you at this point either. Just… just know what happened was completely out of your control. I know you better than what you think, Raph, and I know if you could have stopped it, you would have without a second thought."

"L-Leo… h-help…", when those words rang in Leo's ears he went to open the door, but it was locked. He feels a wave of annoyance hit him and he busts the door. He walks in and sees Raph not able to get up. "I-I n-never t-t-thought I would l-lose o-one o-of my l-l-little brothers…", the words struggle out of Raph as he cries harder.

"Neither did I. But, ask yourself this, would Donnie want this to happen? Or would he want us all to stick together?", Raph raises himself to face his older brother.

"Remember when he use to get nightmares about me leaving when I threatened you I would?", Raph shakes his head. "I had to promise that no matter what, he'd be stuck with me. And when I would run off him and Mikey use to try to go looking for me."

"He mentioned to me before he feared the day he would be alone."

"I would have never left him, or any of you guys, alone, you know that, right? I got mad and threatened to but I could never, ever turn my back on you guys even if I tried.", Raph tells Leo. The oldest one nods, and for a moment they just sat there in silence. "Is Mikey okay?"

"He has to stay off of his leg for awhile, and the whole Donnie thing has him shaken up.", Leo answers, with a stiff voice. Raph nods, and then his T-Phone begins to ring. He looks at the ID, and is perplexed when he sees Donnie's picture.

"What the shell?", he mumbles, and slowly clicks the answer button and cautiously brings the phone to his ear. "Hello?"

"Hello, Raphael.", both Leo and Raph's eyes widen in surprise of the voice.

"How did you get this? I swear to God, Shredder, I'm going to find you and when I get my hands on you-", Raph stops his threat mid sentence when he hears the pained scream of his little brother. His heart stops and he stares at Leo with shock. "Donnie?"

"What? Did you honestly think I wouldn't take this to my advantage? The moment he saved you and then he was all alone, I grabbed him. I've been torturing him ever since with a smile on my face."

"Let me talk to him.", Raph's voice was hard, but on the point of breaking at the same time. The phone shifts and someone with heavy breathing fills the sound. "Donnie?"

"H-hey, Raphie.", Donnie tries to make it sound like he was okay, but all three of them knew that wasn't the case. "How's Mikey?"

"Mikey is fine, don't worry, you're going to be home soon.", Raph and Leo got up from the bed and began to walk out of the lair.

"Don't come."

"We're not leaving you there."

"We?"  
"I'm coming, little brother, I feel that shouldn't have to be said.", Leo replies. Donnie's voice cracks.

"He's going to kill me right in front of you the moment you get here it's pointless."

"Donnie, the moment we get there I promise you're safe.", Raph tells him.

"Oh how cute, you think you can save him.", the phone was snatched from Donnie and Shredder begins talking.

"Shredder, let this be known, you've gone too far this time. You will pay.", Raph snaps. Shredder only laughs and hangs up the phone.

"He's alive. We can still fix this.", Leo tells Raph. He only nods in response. They run as fast their legs would carry them towards Shredder's lair. They were there within minutes. "Okay, I'll distract the Shredder while you get Donnie, okay?"

"Okay.", Raph didn't have the energy to argue with his older brother. "Just… be careful…"

"Don't worry about me. Just be sure Donnie is okay.", Raph nods and the two brothers separate. Raph immediately heads for the cells below the abandoned church.

"Donnie? Are you in here?", he whispers, careful not to cause any attention. He looks around, cursing as he sees two Foot Bots walk past. Without thinking, he draws his sais and stabs them both at once, in the chest, and watched them both fall.

"Raphie…", the moment he hears that soft voice, Raphael feels tears form in his eyes. His little brother. He never thought he would be so grateful to hear his voice.

"I'm coming.", he follows the sound of his brother's voice, and finds Donnie's cell. If tears weren't in his eyes already, they sure were now. Donnie's once healthy, green skin is dull. Dried blood covers a majority of his shell, and his eyes are slowly losing life. "Donnie…"

"I was hoping you were bluffing when you said you were coming.", Donnie gives a small smile as Raph uses his sais to unlock the cell. "Is Leo okay? Where is he?"

"He's distracting Shredder. He wants you out of here then he'll get himself out. So, let's hurry and get out of here so he'll do the same. Deal?", Raph asks, as the door opens. Donnie wasn't chained up or anything. He didn't need to be. Shredder knew he wouldn't have the energy to stand even if help was to come.

"Raph, I can't walk. You guys made this trip for nothing, and you could get hurt, or-", Donnie's words died in his throat as his older brother picked him up, not listening to any of it.

"I'm strong enough to carry any of you and run out of an enemy's lair, Donnie. You know that.", Donnie only nods in response, not wanting to upset his brother anymore.

"Well, well, look who finally decided to show up.", Shredder's voice rings through the cells. Raph looks around, gripping Donnie.

"Shredder, you're nothing but a coward. Show yourself!", Raph always did have a hint of anger in his voice every time he faces an enemy, but this was different. This tells Shredder that Raph isn't afraid to kill at this moment. "Where's Leo?!"

"I haven't even seen him yet. Maybe that's what is causing all the commotion. He must have found my upgraded Foot Bots instead of me.", Shredder answers. Upgraded?

"Raph, leave me and find Leo.", Donnie whispers. Raph shakes his head.

"No way. We're all getting out of here.", Donnie risked his life for Raph once, and his older brother wasn't about to let that happen again. "No turtle left behind."

"But… Leo…"

"Is completely okay!", Leo's voice cuts through the air as he runs into the cell room. He's directly behind Shredder. Then, he darts to his younger brothers' sides. "I'm glad to see you're alive, Donnie, never, ever do this to us again.", Leo brings out a smoke bomb, glaring at Shredder. "This isn't over!"

"One day, Leonardo, Splinter will give into me. One day, you will be mine and Splinter will do anything to save you."

"Splinter is stronger than you will ever be.", Leo drops the smoke bomb, and before Shredder's eyes all three turtles disappeared.

Meanwhile

Mikey lays in his bed, tears soaked his face. His big brother. His best friend. The only person in this world who ever understood him. He was gone. Mikey feels the guilt overwhelm him. The last moment. The last moment he saw his brother he saw the cuts. Then the realization hit him. Donnie was depressed, that's why he pushed Mikey away. He didn't want his younger brother to see him as weak. Why didn't Donnie see that Mikey would have helped him? He would have been there for his brother.

"Splinter! Splinter, we need help!", Mikey sits up, hearing his eldest brother's distressed voice. He tries to get up, but fails.

"My son, what is it?", he hears Splinter ask, then gasp in shock. "Donatello? How hurt are you?"

"D-Donnie…", Mikey whispers, and now forces himself to stand. Despite the pain, he manages to get to his door.

"I-I just need to clean my wounds and get some rest, Sensei. I'm okay, I promise.", new tears form in his eyes now. He opens the door, and finds an injured Donatello in the room.

"Donnie!", Mikey limps as fast as he could to his best friend, tears falling freely down his face. Donnie turns around, and gives Mikey a comforting smile.

"Hey, little brother.", before Donnie could say anything else, Mikey wraps his arms around him and cries on his chest. "I missed you, too."

Later

Donnie found himself in his bedroom, drifting to a much needed sleep. However, as his eye lids closed, his door opened. He opens his eyes quickly, and sees his little brother limping towards him.

"Mikey? I told you to stay in bed. Your leg is still hurt.", Donnie softly scolds, but barely. Mikey ignores him and sits by Donnie.

"Donnie… can you finally tell me?"

"What do you want to know?"  
"What caused it?"

"Little brother, you know it wasn't you, right?", Donnie asks, immediately. "I first want you to know, Mikey, that you're the only thing keeping me here. I would do anything for you. But, for awhile, I just wanted to give up because I didn't have the drive anymore."

"But, you're going to stay now, right?"

"Of course."

"You know we love you, right, Donnie?"

"Yes, Mikey, I do. I never doubted that.", Donnie answers. Mikey wraps his arms around him, tears falling from his face.

"I-I can't imagine a world without you, D, it's not one I want to be in."

"Don't worry, little bro, I'm going to be around for a long while.", Donnie assures Mikey. "Mikey, I never wanted to hurt you, I hope you know that."

"I know, Donnie.", Mikey begins to fall asleep once more.

"I want you in your bed for tonight. Right now you need your leg elevated. I'll check on you in the morning."

"Promise?"

"I promise."

Donnie Entry 6

I should have known Raph wouldn't give up on me. Thanks to my two older brothers, I'm back at the lair, with Mikey, Raph, Leo, and Sensei. April stopped by after hearing everything and hugged me. She hung around for awhile before leaving to get back to her house. Right now, I'm in my room under complete bed rest. Mikey was going to sleep in here with me, but I told him he had to keep his leg elevated. I didn't want to send him away but I want him healed as fast as possible. I promised him that everything was okay, that nothing would ever come between us again. I hugged Splinter and thanked him for trying to help me. Splinter does care about me, even when he doesn't want to admit it. I know I have a great family. Raph and I had a long conversation, and I told him I would finally allow him to help me. I don't think I've ever seen him happier.

For the first time in months I feel like I have a small chance of being okay. I never thought my brothers truly cared about me. I always thought of myself as just a burden. I studied so much so they would need me. But I realized how selfish I was, and I tried to teach all of them what to do. Just in case something were to happen to me, they would know what to do, in case one of them got injured. Once Leo was a pro at it, I was tempted to just end it all then, but that night, Mikey came in my room with a nightmare. He said he had to see me, to make sure I was okay. Then he begged me not to go anywhere. I couldn't stand the thought of breaking my brother's heart, so I didn't.

Now, I find myself trying to get better. I had given up so long ago I forgot what hope was, but if giving up means hurting my family, I refuse. I thought before, Mikey had our older brothers, so I assumed he would be fine. I never thought about how Leo always blamed himself for everything that went wrong. And I never realized that Raph hid his pain with his anger. I never thought about how Sensei had raised me like I was one of his own. I never thought about how he lost his daughter, or his wife. That caused me to never realize that he needed all of us to be okay. Now I know that, and I refuse to give up. No matter what, no matter how painful, I can't give up. If I can't do it for myself, then I have to do it for them.

Mikey Entry 6

Well I can breath again. Donnie is actually alive. Raph and Leo saved him while I was forced into bed rest. Like he promised before those last few moments, my best friend told me everything. He told me about his depression, and insisted I had nothing to do with it. He told me I kept him going. I don't know how I did if I didn't even know about his depression in the first place. Wow, I really am an idiot. Now that I think about it, Donnie did show the signs that he needed help. I just thought he liked to stay in his lab because he was always working on something. I should have known.

I guess something in the back of my mind told me. After all, I always tried to pull Donnie out of the lab so he didn't become too isolated. I pulled so many pranks on him so he would come out, even if it was to yell at me. I would cook him meals and take it to the lab so I knew he ate. I even would try to pull all nighters with him when he was working late in the lab. I always ended up falling asleep in a small rolling chair. Donnie now keeps a sleeping bag and a few pillows in there for me.

I'm just glad he's getting better. He's going to try at least. I know if he puts in the effort he can save himself. And it's not like he's alone. He has an annoying brother like me to make sure he isn't alone from now on.

I still can't help but feel this is my fault. I mean, I always use to worry Donnie growing up. I would always get hurt or sick so easily and he would always be the one trying to help me. Maybe that stressed him to the point where he wasn't him anymore. I just want him to be okay, is that so much to ask for…?

Raph Entry 6

Thank everything that is good, Donnie is alive. He may be hurt, but he's alive. If I wasn't so focused on getting him out of there I think I would have stayed behind to kill Shredder. I still plan on getting revenge. Shredder isn't going to get away that easily. I just wanted to make sure Donnie was okay. He was my main focus, the one I wanted to protect, and he means more to me than Shredder or revenge.

Right now, he's asleep in his room. So is Mikey. It's like 3 in the morning right now. I couldn't sleep so I decided to vent in a way that won't wake up my brothers. I would go to the dojo and work out for awhile, but it would wake Sensei up at the very least. Everyone deserves sleep right now. Leo is probably awake, meditating or something like he always does. I'm just in my room, with the light on, and the door locked. I find it hard to right with such a shaky hand.

I know I never act like it, but I truly want to be a good brother. I want to be a good protector. I want to be the one that my brothers know they can trust with their lives. I would never let them down without a fight. But, I failed Donnie. He's my little brother, the one I'm suppose to keep safe, but I couldn't manage to. And that irritates me. Because it wasn't the Foot or Shredder I couldn't protect Donnie from. I couldn't save Donnie from himself. I couldn't manage to see the obvious signs that he was depressed and slowly asking us for help. He needed to be saved from his mind.

I finally had enough of it and asked him what was going on. He did confess to me everything, from the start. I was rather surprised when he never brought up April in any of this, as she has hurt him several times. He told me that he was stressed, and tired of fighting everyday. He told me he hates me sneaking out of the lair at night alone because he is awake most of the time, and he hates not knowing whether or not I'll be coming home. He said he couldn't even work when I was gone alone, it scared him too much. He hates how Leo is always getting hurt to protect us from everything. He hates how Mikey has a habit of getting injured very easily. He told me that if we got injured too bad, to the point where he couldn't save us, it would be his fault. The stress of keeping us okay and I'm sure April breaking his heart, just made him want to give up. The fights between me and Leo. How much it stressed and upset both of my brothers. How I would snap at Donnie when I was angry, and I had no control of what I said. All of this drove him into depression and he couldn't get himself out. And, without getting the proper help, it became worse over time.

I told him I would help him, and that Leo and I wasn't going to give up on him. He smiled, hugged me, and then went to bed. I don't know whether or not he believes me, but he knows I care. He figured that out when Leo and I went to face the Shredder himself. He tried to get me to leave him, but I refused. I would rather die.

Leo Entry 6

While I still feel amazing that my little brother is alive, I still can't shake off this unbearable amount of guilt that I allowed this to happen in the first place. Or the fact that if I was just a couple minutes faster I would have saved Donnie from Shredder's grasp in the first place. I was too slow though, and that caused Donnie to go through a large amount of pain and suffering before I finally came. Raph was right there with me. While I'm proud of Raph for standing his ground and protecting Donnie, I was terrified when I finally found Shredder after fighting off those Foot Bots, and Shredder so close to them. Raph wasn't going to fight if Shredder got his hands on Donnie, he would have done whatever it is he was ordered to do in order to keep his brother okay. I knew that. Which is why I wasn't focusing on a fight, I was focused on getting Donnie out of there and to the lair where Splinter could help him. When he was safe I hugged Donnie for awhile. I was lucky. I got my little brother back.

I need to save him from this depression. That is my main mission right now. I need to make sure he knows he is cared for. I got lucky once, that doesn't mean it will happen again. I'll do everything in my power to make sure he's safe and that no harm is to come to my little brother. No more, anyway. I'll do whatever it takes. I won't fail him again.


	7. Chapter 7

**To the readers that are still here-**

 **I owe you an apology. I don't know if you forgive me or not, but I really am sorry for the lack of updates. I've been fighting my own depression, and I just didn't have the strength. This past 6 months have been good and bad for me. Last time I updated this story for you guys, I wanted to die. Now, 6 months later, I'm proud to say I'm getting better. It wasn't easy, and it was painful to let some of the people I had to let go, go, one being my own father. But, I'm in a much better place. I have amazing friends, who turned out to be like family, and a good boyfriend, who was actually dealing with similar stuff to me, which helped both of us learn the truth. And while my battle is far from being over, I can say with full confidence that I'm in a much better place and I'm getting better every day. Thank you, guys, who are still here, and have showed me what true friendship is like, even if it's only over a screen. And to those of you who are still fighting your battle, you are not alone, I am here for you. Please, if you ever need anything, PM me. I can be a friend and a listening ear.- ForeverDream2012 (Writer0824)**

"Hey, little bro, I got you breakfast.", Leo opens Donnie's bedroom door with a bowl of cereal and a glass of juice. Donnie, who had been up for hours, forces himself to set up and immediately, Leo is at his side. "How are you feeling?"

"A lot better.", Donnie answers, watching his brother put the bowl on his bedside. "Really, Leo."

"I believe you, Donnie.", Leo responds, looking around his brother's room. "Maybe we should get some better lighting in here. Make it seem more… alive.", Donnie nods in agreement.

"Everything okay in here?", Raph knocks on the door. His two other brothers nod and he smiles in relief. "Leo, Mikey wants to talk to ya. And I'd like a word with Donnie."

"Alright.", Leo raises himself up, and the two older brothers walk past each other. Raph sits beside Donnie, while Leo leaves.

"I'm really sorry, you know."

"About what?", the younger asks, in a curious voice.

"Everything. For letting you think so long I didn't care about you. For not getting you out of there when I needed to. I want to be a good brother, Donnie. I really do. I care about you so much. I'd do anything in the world if you could just see that.", Raph takes a quick breath, and then looks over at the one he felt he failed. "I know I'm not as good as Leo, and I suck at keeping you guys safe. But, Donnie, I'm not going to lie. When you pushed me out of the way, I felt my whole world fall apart. I realized that I really do care about you guys, and the thought of something happening to you guys is just the greatest way to tear me apart. Shredder knows that now and I'm terrified at the thought of something happening to you guys. And-"

"Raph?", Donnie cuts in, and pulls his hero into a hug. "You've always been the best big brother anyone could ever ask for. You and Leo both are the best protectors, especially you. I don't know if I would be alive today if it wasn't for you. You're my hero, Raphie."

"I'm just glad you're safe again. I promise, nothing's ever gonna hurt you again.", Raph wraps both of his arms around the taller, yet younger, one. "Nothing's ever going to take my brothers away from me."

"I'm sorry I scared you back there. I didn't know what else to do and getting you out of there was really my only concern."

"Next time, let me do the big brother job.", Raph replies. Donnie smiles at his older brother, and gives him a reassuring nod.

Meanwhile

"Leo?", Mikey asks, as the eldest of all the brothers walks into his room. Leo gives an assuring smile and walks over to him.

"Yeah, Mikey?"

"Donnie's okay… right?"

"Yeah, I just gave him his breakfast."

"No… is he okay…?"

"What do you mean, is he okay?"

"Mentally. No… thoughts like before…"

"Not that I know of, Mike. He's getting better mentally and physically.", Leo assures him. "But right now what we all need you to focus on is healing yourself. That would help Donnie more than you will ever understand."

"Okay. Is he still on bed rest?"

"Afraid so, little brother. And so are you.", Leo sighs. "It's for the best in the long run. Trust me. In no time, you and Donnie will both be better. Donnie's going to get physically and mentally better because he's not alone and he knows that now. He has us. And he'll always have us."

"What can I do to help him though?"

"Be there for him. Continue to be his best friend like you've always been. Make him laugh and smile because that's the little things that count.", Leo replies. Mikey thinks for a moment, then nods.

"Leo? I think I know something you could do that would cheer him up."

"What's that?"

"Paint again. He loved watching you paint, it calmed him down. You were really good. He always said so.", the younger answers. Leo thinks for a moment and then nods.

"I think I'll have April pick me up some paint and a new canvas or two. I haven't painted in awhile. To be quite honest, I miss it myself."

Donnie Entry 7

I've never seen Raph so stressed before. This experience has taken a toll out on him, and it's easy to tell. His eyes are slightly duller, and he works out nonstop. The only time he isn't is when he's checking on us. Then it's right back to the dojo. I hate seeing him in this condition.

I've barely seen Mikey since I returned home. He's not the only one who has been put under strict bed rest, but I know he's struggling. I don't need to be around him to know that. I know him better than he knows himself. He can't stay still longer than 5 minutes. Being under bed rest and thinking I was dead, had to be a struggle for him. And now that I'm here, under bed rest myself to the point where I can't see him, is driving us both crazy. I miss him. I miss him driving me crazy.

Leo is just Leo. No other way to describe that. He wants to help me but he honestly doesn't know how. I know he doesn't. And that's driving him crazy. He wants to be the one that always has answers when we're hurt, but he doesn't right now. He's not use to it and he doesn't like seeing me fight myself.

I honestly don't know if I'm going to get better or not. My brothers still want me around which is why I'm trying to fight this demon inside me off, but right now I'm losing. It's consuming my mind and taking everything I love away from me. I fear that it'll soon reach my brothers and father. That it'll take them away like everything else. It's taken my love for inventing, my crush on April, my happiness in the lab and in training. Going Topside doesn't even seem special to me anymore. Nothing matters. How long before it reaches them?

Before it reaches Mikey?

Mikey Entry 7

Doesn't feel right not being by Donnie and driving him absolutely crazy. He's still under bed rest and so am I. It broke my heart to see him the way he was. Shredder had beaten him. I never thought I could feel hatred in my heart before I saw what someone was capable of doing to my brother. To my best friend.

Is he going to be okay? Or does he still think he's alone with no way out? I just want him okay again. This is the shortest entry I've written yet… but I don't know, it kinda feels like something's just draining me.

Weird, huh?

Raph Entry 7

Donnie and Mikey are sound asleep now. I've checked about 5 times, and avoided bumping into Leo during one of them. He knows I'm awake just like I know he's awake. Neither one of us has gotten much sleep by this point. I've either been working out, checking on Donnie and Mikey, or writing since I can't sleep and I don't want to wake anyone up.

Last time I tried to sleep I had this awful nightmare. I didn't get to Donnie in time with the Shredder. I lost Donnie and suddenly I'm surrounded by darkness hearing my little brother scream for me to save him. I woke up and nearly screamed, luckily I got a grip on myself quick. I did, however, rush to Donnie's room to see him okay. Sleeping soundly, the only movement was his chest. I calmed down once I realized it was just a nightmare and nothing had actually happened to my brother. Nothing that killed him anyway.

Leo's worrying me though. Never thought I'd admit it, and I might have to burn this notebook later because of it. But I can see him mentally killing himself over this. How much longer before I have to worry about saving two brothers instead of one? Then there's Mikey. His leg was really bad, so he has to stay on bed rest. Poor kid hates having to lay in bed all day for the next week or so. It drives him crazy.

Then there's me. This whole experience has changed me more than what I ever thought possible. I mean I've never been the type of guy to pour emotions out on a notebook. I punched my way out of things. But I have a feeling that didn't help Donnie. I covered pain with anger and it ended up hurting him in the process. While that was never suppose to happen, it did. Now I have to be a big brother and fix it.

Leo Entry 7

How do I fix something I know nothing about? Yes, I've done countless amounts of research but still nothing. I can't figure out how to save Donnie. I can't figure out how to make Mikey feel better. I can't get Raph to stop punching that punching bag for two seconds to talk to me. I'm failing them. I use to be decent at this big brother thing, but now… I'm just not.


End file.
